The Girl in the Green Car

Hello. 'Tis I. The girl in the green car. It's been a long time since I've written on a blog post. I had various iterations in the past which I deleted and then restarted at different points. I don't think I'm the same person now though as I was back then. I still drive a little green car, that part is still accurate, but as the years have progressed, I'm different. So let me introduce myself to you.

I believe everyone sees themselves as a different person at different times in their life; the child, the student, the spouse, the parent, the employee, the retiree. My life hasn't quite followed a linear path though. I've zig-zagged across the months and years like a bad actor avoiding arrows being shot at my back, but somehow physically survived (just about). I observed from the sidelines as friends and family grew around me, travelling, studying, working, getting married and having children, but I sidestepped all the normal milestones completely and travelled another path, one with lots of stinging nettles apparently. Perhaps that was conscious decision, perhaps it was sub-conscious. It was definitely from all the trauma. 

So here I am, in my 40s, unsure of when I became that age given I am still 25 in my mind, unmarried, childless, residing alone, working full-time, living on the coast. A PhD Creative Writing student gradually losing my mind over how quickly the time is passing. Time seems to be a theme in my constant anxiety. I wonder what Freud would say about that? I haven't decided yet if it is friend or foe, but it is ever present, draining me like a parasite. Kind of rude if you ask me.

Anyway, I guess I fit into these little boxes quite neatly for the most part, conforming to certain labels whilst pondering if that's who I really am. I remember sitting on a bus home from college when I was 16 or 17 years old, the rain tipping down in the darkness outside giving an ethereal effect to the twinkling Christmas lights, moisture dripping down the interior of the windows, and The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony blaring in my headphones from my CD walkman, as I held it precariously still in my pocket. I recall feeling a sense of future in that moment, of possibility. There I was, only just starting my life, and I could do anything. A sense of excitement that one day I could go to university, move away from my home town, travel, fall in love, have a family and a career. I grasp at that version of me now, wondering where it went wrong. Maybe it didn't go wrong at all, and despite the hardships and heartbreaks, I'm actually exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Bit philosophical, I know, but this is a blog post, so you kind of signed up to read the nonsensical ramblings of a mad woman. That's on you. I guess what I'm trying to say is welcome to my blog. I would introduce myself to you properly, but really I think this blog is actually about me introducing me to me. You're welcome to come join me for the ride.